Spoil Sport Glo Blackberry

I couldn't blog today because my internet browser stopped working, for reasons best known to the Glo Nigeria Blackberry Service. Tomorrow is another day!

For The Love of Sexy

I've decided to embark on a trial two-week "water only" journey. This means that from Wednesday 22nd Sept 2010 to Wednesday 6th October 2010, water is my beverage of choice; no malt, no juice, no wine, just water. This decision is the result of the alarming rate at which my already big tummy has been growing since I stopped working over a month ago. I woke up one day and realised that I now have love handles. Eeew!!

In honour of my beloved sexy fitted tops I've also decided to cut out my equally beloved bread from my diet, and can no longer enjoy late night snacking with my beau; all eating stops at 7pm.

This is a big blow for me, because our late night snacking, be it on suya or pastries, had become a bonding ritual for both of us. I can only hope that the flatness of my tummy, which I plan to show off on my wedding night, will say to me, "it's all worth it."

My Blog, Oh My Blog!

I haven't posted anything since July. Although it has taken me a while to get my act together, I think I'm on the right track now. Faithful, daily blogging begins tomorrow. I'm committed!

Tell It Not In Gath

Tell it not in Gath, publish it not in the streets of Askelon; lest the daughters of the Philistines rejoice, lest the daughters of the uncircumcised triumph. 2 Sam 1: 20.

I recently noticed a new buzz on the internet, especially in the Christian blogosphere. Everywhere I looked it seemed another Christian couple was giving up on their marriage. I saw it in my daily devotionals, in my weekly newsletters, in Christian e-magazines; everyone talking about and analyzing the whys and wherefores of different ministers’ divorces- Pastors Paula and Randy White divorcing after 18 years (each for the second time, they all echo), the end of Prophetess Juanita Bynum’s marriage to Bishop Weeks (her second too, they are quick to remind us), the Kimberly and Fred Hammond divorce after 20 years of marriage, and most recently, Suzanne and Benny Hinn’s divorce after 31 years of marriage. And while we are at it, they urge on, let’s not forget the end of Yolanda Adams’ (2nd) marriage, or Amy Grant’s divorcing her husband of 16 years to marry country singer Vince Gill, or Jaci Velasquez’s divorce after being married for only 2 years.

These writers and bloggers have no idea just how much the constant repetition and recycling of all this wonderful “news” makes me want to dash to the altar and pledge my unending love and faithfulness to someone till death do us part.

Why do the salt of the earth and the light of the world do this? It is bad enough that the words of Jesus concerning grounds for divorce now seem to mean nothing, and we can now divorce and remarry citing “irreconcilable differences” once, twice, and even thrice. But must we broadcast it? Must we wash our dirty linen in public? Have we nothing better to do on the internet than provide “Christian divorces” results for search engines?

We should be hanging our heads in shame and pouring our hearts out in prayer. But no, we’d rather prattle on and on about how our divorced brothers and sisters have sinned, how they’ve let us down (ha!), how they are accountable to us and owe us an explanation, etcetera, etcetera…

Yes, it is disturbing that Rev John Hagee divorced the wife of his youth, Martha, and has been married to his present wife Diane for 34 years, and puzzling that God hasn’t struck them both with thunder. But isn’t it beautiful that Cece Winans & Alvin Love, Kenneth & Gloria Copeland and Mark & Darlene Zscech have been married for decades despite the inevitable friction that comes with marriage? Isn’t it noteworthy that Joni and Rod Parsley have kept their promise to never to mention the “D” word in the now 23 years of their marriage? Doesn’t Paul Adefarasin’s passionate love for Ifeanyi, his wife of 15 years, inspire hope? Does the magic that Fela and Tara Durotoye are still making 9 years on count for nothing? Isn’t it wonderful that Serita is still the first lady of TD Jakes’ heart after 29 years of marriage? Why can’t we write about that instead? Maybe we take it for granted because “that’s how it should be anyway, so what’s the big deal?” If this is the case then I recommend that we all just shut up and mind our own business.

If I open my email box and see another Christian divorce story, I just might pull out all my hair, God have mercy on me! Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, let us think, publish and blog about these things.

The Concubine

“You asked me not to wear cologne; she’ll know you been with me alone, and you can’t take our secret home, so you ask me not to wear cologne.” ~ Dolly Parton, Cologne

For as long as I can remember, I have been fascinated by the phenomenon called The Other Woman. Still, it has taken me a long time to even begin to understand her; her many faces, her many sides, the different roads she’s had to walk. What kind of person sleeps with someone else’s husband? What kind of monster is this accomplice to the horrible crime that is the destruction of the precious dreams of a once hopeful bride? What kind of woman creeps, sashays or lets herself be drawn into a man’s life, wreaking havoc ranging from minimal to colossal, and even altering the course of his children’s lives?

I had a chat recently with a much older pal of mine whose wife and kids, for reasons best known to him, live in the UK while he lives here in Nigeria. He told me he’s looking for a “wifey” and asked if I had any nice friends who are “like me” that he could “build something solid” with. Now, I’ve shed most of the naïveté for which I used to be known, but I still couldn’t help being perplexed at the ease, and dare I say, sincerity with which he made this request. He truly didn’t look like he meant any harm!

Our talk got me thinking, as I am often wont to (having grown up amongst men for whom extramarital affairs are the norm), about the mistress. It is unlikely that we will ever completely understand her, because she is a woman and she is many women, but here are some bits and pieces I’ve found out in the course of my living, reading and listening.

1. Sometimes, she doesn’t know he is married. An acquaintance of mine recently started to fall for a charming guy who had some business to do in her office. The sparks appeared to be flying both ways for a few weeks, until she heard him mention his child. So she asked him, “Are you married”? He went, “Err, well, actually…” and then left her with the vague impression that he at least had a “baby mama”. So she said to me “Joy, what does this mean? Is he married or isn’t he?” I told her what she already knew; with such questions, anything except a clear, confident “No” is a “Yes”. But imagine with me that the subject hadn’t come up, she hadn’t asked him, she started dating him, got hooked on him…

2. She knows he is married and she doesn’t give a shit, or is too far gone to care. We all know some variant of this woman. She needs to be in a relationship and your husband is available. She gets the benefits of a relationship, a shoulder to lean on and sexual partner, without washing boxers, missing girls’ night out, attending to in-laws or otherwise taking up an excessive amount of time. Maybe she needs financial assistance and services your husband in return. After all in her best selling book, Having It All, Cosmopolitan’s international editor-in-chief, Helen Gurley Brown writes, “I don’t know how a girl can survive without the occasional married man to tide her through the rough times.”

Again, it could be that your husband is just the straying type and he got “lucky” and found a woman without scruples. In fact, in this one’s mind you should be grateful because she is doing you a favour by reducing your “workload”. Or maybe she just likes handsome, charming, intelligent or powerful men and unfortunately for you, your husband is one or more of the above. Or she is the woman my aforementioned acquaintance could have been; she didn’t know he was married in the beginning and now that she knows, it is too late. She’s resigned to her fate. The sun and moon rise in his eyes, and like the Whitney Houston song goes, “A few stolen moments is all that we share, you've got your family, and they need you there. Though I've tried to resist, being last on your list but no other man's gonna do, so I'm saving all my love for you.” The Outrageous Millie Jackson encourages further,


“Mama and Daddy
Say it's a shame
It's a downright disgrace
But long as I got
You by my side
I don't care what people say
My friends tell me it's no future
In lovin' a married man
If I can't see you when I want
I'll have to see you when I can
If lovin' you is wrong
I don't want to be right…

Sometimes though, she isn’t exactly resigned…

3. She believes him when he says he’ll divorce you and marry her. She hopes, prays, works and lives for that great day when your husband will make an honest woman of her. It is the thought of this day that helps her get through the other days when her conscience is weighed down with the burden of this terrible thing she is doing. You see, sometimes, she knows you, maybe even respects you. She may see you often and even chat with you. You may consider her your friend, your sister or even think she’s a daughter to you and your husband. But he has whispered in her ears while they were in bed, about how she is all the things you’ll never be, how all he needs is a little time to sort things out and then they will live together happily ever after and everything will be alright. Sometimes to her way of thinking, she actually deserves this because…

4. She loved him before you did. These two have history “as long as Calabar-Itu Road”, as a friend likes to say. Maybe they dated and things didn’t work out for some reason. Maybe they were even teenage sweethearts who lacked the maturity to sustain their precious, innocent love. Or maybe they didn’t even date and to him she’s The One Who Got Away or the “best girlfriend I never had.” Well, they’ve found each other now and it’s just too bad for you and too good for them…almost.

5. They’ll get what’s coming to them. Whether you find this comforting or not, whether it happens the way you want it to or not, this is a fact. It may be that you neglected your husband, turned him down too often, let yourself go physically, lacked wisdom in your church activity involvement, put the children before him…it doesn’t make his adultery right. Whether you think it’s your fault or not, they have both sinned against you, and against God. Therefore, unless they put an end to it and repent, they’re gonna get it. Do your best to win back your husband. Pray, get back in shape, revamp your wardrobe, cook up a storm, whatever you know your husband’s thing is, draw on God’s grace and keep doing it. You can’t afford not to try.

But alas this is life; sometimes you do your best and your best is not good enough. Take heart. Call it karma, nemesis, retribution, judgment, whatever. The truth remains, “Be not deceived, for God is not mocked; whatsoever a man sows, the same shall he also reap.” It is a natural law. It may take time, but it will happen. I hope that makes you feel better. If it doesn’t, I know someone who knows some baaaad Ijaw boys who can attend to that woman and “treat her fuck up.” Now if only two wrongs could make a right…

Frankly Speaking

I know Easter is around the corner and some of us are fasting, most of us sober and all of us contemplating the Cross of our Lord, but I want to talk about sex, so please excuse me. Thanks. Wondering what brought this on? You can blame Sandra Bullock’s husband Jesse James, whom we know I’ve been pissed at since the news of his cheating broke. This isn’t exactly about him though. People who know me well are aware that I have issues with the church for neglecting their role in “sex education” and allowing the Devil to take advantage of our zealousness to obey God’s word. In case you are wondering what I mean, I’ll cut to the chase; I’m talking about ministers and mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters who rightly advocate sexual purity before marriage, only to leave their work unfinished as young people enter marriage without having been schooled on issues pertaining to the marriage bed. Before you argue that your church is different, let me clarify that I’m not referring to all churches. However, I’m sure you’ll agree with me that even those churches that include sex classes don’t go in depth. Again, I’m not generalizing.

A few years ago I was very persistently pursued by a backsliding young man who had been married to a lovely and lovable Christian wife for 2 years. When I asked him why on earth he would want to cheat on her, he told me she wasn’t satisfying him. She’s beautiful, she’s a great cook, she keeps a clean house and is successful in her career, but she just wasn’t forthcoming in bed. I told him I don’t do other peoples’ husbands, and advised him to go for counseling with his wife and he quickly told me he had brought it up but she refused. Much as I wanted to close the subject, my curiosity got the better of me and I asked him what made him think I would be any better than his wife. He said, “I can see it in you, you have the flair.” And then he proceeded to break my heart by telling me that his wife was a virgin when he married her and attempting to blame her less than satisfactory sexual performance on that. Oh God, I nearly lost it. I called him out on it, letting him know that as a youth minister advocating sexual purity before marriage is part of my calling and practicing it is a way of life for me, but it hurt to know that abstinence before marriage equals a boring, unsatisfactory sex life. This should not be so.

I know so many husbands who have strayed because their wives were unable to satisfy them, and while it is not an excuse to cheat, it is a reality. When some people suggested that Jesse cheated on Sandra with that tattoo-covered woman because she could give him what Sandra could not, everything within me revolted against the idea. I refused to consider it even when I was reminded of the perfectionist desperate housewife Bree Van De Kamp whose husband carried on an affair despite his deep love for her, because had desires he couldn’t share with her. “That skank cannot hold a candle to Sandra Bullock in any way”, I protested.

Suddenly this afternoon I remembered that Jesse’s former wife Janine Lindemulder is an ex-porn star, and a light bulb went on in my head. Was it possible that there were things he was used to getting from Janine that Sandra wasn’t into? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this same old problem was here again. Man wants something, wife will not consent, skank will help her do the job.

Only sometimes, wife would do it if only husband would ask. Sometimes, wife would do it if only she knew how to. Sometimes wife would do it if someone could convince her it’s not wrong. And sometimes, the other woman is not a skank. She’s simply a woman who has mastered the art of willingly and enthusiastically giving a perfect blowjob, or a woman who has learnt to ask for sex instead of always waiting to be asked. Sometimes she’s a woman who has accepted her God-given body and does not always require the lights to be off. Sometimes she’s a woman who has learnt to say “no” sparingly and caringly.

Pastor Paul Adefarasin once told the men in his church who had played the field before receiving Christ, that they should not expect the nice sister they married in church to be like “Naughty Nancy” (his own words) they used to know in the world. Fair advice, but I have to ask, “why sef?” In the words of Rev Mrs. Funmi Akingbade, “Why is your husband’s mistress the one who is hot in bed? Why are you, who have the Holy Ghost, cold?” This is becoming another long post.

Let us hear the conclusion of the matter. The Bible says in Proverbs 5:18-21,

18 May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.

19 A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

20 Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife?

21 For a man's ways are in full view of the LORD, and he examines all his paths.

Sisters, make we co-operate abeg. Sex in marriage is not an “unfruitful work of darkness”. Before you marry someone, be sure to discuss your preferences and if one person agrees to forego something, he/she shouldn’t expect, or put pressure on, the other person to change his or her mind after marriage. Decide if you are willing to live without xyz for the rest of your life, and ask God for grace to live with that decision.

Let the older women and even the young ones who are married teach the newly wed and soon-to-be-married how to enjoy their marriage bed. Let husbands and wives communicate and patiently teach each other what they enjoy. Let’s not hide under the cloak of religion and “spirituality” while the devil makes fools of us. Why should the children of this world be wiser than the children of light?

God gave us all things to enjoy including sex, so once you are married, enjoy it very well and don’t apologize for doing so. I am by no means an authority, but God forbid that any of the girls I’ve encouraged to honour God with her body should end up incompetent in marriage because she waited. I tell you, it is not the honourable state of virginity that is to blame; it is the assumption that being a virgin or a Christian excuses you from learning what you should know at the right time. Let’s buy good books and read them; we can even start with the Song of Solomon. Let us examine marital sex in the light of God’s word. Let us be careful not to give Satan a foothold by rendering our spouses vulnerable to sexual temptation, for we are not ignorant of his devices…

Beyond Emotions

Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called “being in love” usually does not last. If the old fairy-tale ending “They lived happily ever after” is taken to mean “They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,” then it says what probably never was nor ever could be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be “in love” need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense–love as distinct from “being in love”–is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be “in love” with someone else. “Being in love” first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it. —C.S. Lewis