Frankly Speaking

I know Easter is around the corner and some of us are fasting, most of us sober and all of us contemplating the Cross of our Lord, but I want to talk about sex, so please excuse me. Thanks. Wondering what brought this on? You can blame Sandra Bullock’s husband Jesse James, whom we know I’ve been pissed at since the news of his cheating broke. This isn’t exactly about him though. People who know me well are aware that I have issues with the church for neglecting their role in “sex education” and allowing the Devil to take advantage of our zealousness to obey God’s word. In case you are wondering what I mean, I’ll cut to the chase; I’m talking about ministers and mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters who rightly advocate sexual purity before marriage, only to leave their work unfinished as young people enter marriage without having been schooled on issues pertaining to the marriage bed. Before you argue that your church is different, let me clarify that I’m not referring to all churches. However, I’m sure you’ll agree with me that even those churches that include sex classes don’t go in depth. Again, I’m not generalizing.

A few years ago I was very persistently pursued by a backsliding young man who had been married to a lovely and lovable Christian wife for 2 years. When I asked him why on earth he would want to cheat on her, he told me she wasn’t satisfying him. She’s beautiful, she’s a great cook, she keeps a clean house and is successful in her career, but she just wasn’t forthcoming in bed. I told him I don’t do other peoples’ husbands, and advised him to go for counseling with his wife and he quickly told me he had brought it up but she refused. Much as I wanted to close the subject, my curiosity got the better of me and I asked him what made him think I would be any better than his wife. He said, “I can see it in you, you have the flair.” And then he proceeded to break my heart by telling me that his wife was a virgin when he married her and attempting to blame her less than satisfactory sexual performance on that. Oh God, I nearly lost it. I called him out on it, letting him know that as a youth minister advocating sexual purity before marriage is part of my calling and practicing it is a way of life for me, but it hurt to know that abstinence before marriage equals a boring, unsatisfactory sex life. This should not be so.

I know so many husbands who have strayed because their wives were unable to satisfy them, and while it is not an excuse to cheat, it is a reality. When some people suggested that Jesse cheated on Sandra with that tattoo-covered woman because she could give him what Sandra could not, everything within me revolted against the idea. I refused to consider it even when I was reminded of the perfectionist desperate housewife Bree Van De Kamp whose husband carried on an affair despite his deep love for her, because had desires he couldn’t share with her. “That skank cannot hold a candle to Sandra Bullock in any way”, I protested.

Suddenly this afternoon I remembered that Jesse’s former wife Janine Lindemulder is an ex-porn star, and a light bulb went on in my head. Was it possible that there were things he was used to getting from Janine that Sandra wasn’t into? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this same old problem was here again. Man wants something, wife will not consent, skank will help her do the job.

Only sometimes, wife would do it if only husband would ask. Sometimes, wife would do it if only she knew how to. Sometimes wife would do it if someone could convince her it’s not wrong. And sometimes, the other woman is not a skank. She’s simply a woman who has mastered the art of willingly and enthusiastically giving a perfect blowjob, or a woman who has learnt to ask for sex instead of always waiting to be asked. Sometimes she’s a woman who has accepted her God-given body and does not always require the lights to be off. Sometimes she’s a woman who has learnt to say “no” sparingly and caringly.

Pastor Paul Adefarasin once told the men in his church who had played the field before receiving Christ, that they should not expect the nice sister they married in church to be like “Naughty Nancy” (his own words) they used to know in the world. Fair advice, but I have to ask, “why sef?” In the words of Rev Mrs. Funmi Akingbade, “Why is your husband’s mistress the one who is hot in bed? Why are you, who have the Holy Ghost, cold?” This is becoming another long post.

Let us hear the conclusion of the matter. The Bible says in Proverbs 5:18-21,

18 May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.

19 A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

20 Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife?

21 For a man's ways are in full view of the LORD, and he examines all his paths.

Sisters, make we co-operate abeg. Sex in marriage is not an “unfruitful work of darkness”. Before you marry someone, be sure to discuss your preferences and if one person agrees to forego something, he/she shouldn’t expect, or put pressure on, the other person to change his or her mind after marriage. Decide if you are willing to live without xyz for the rest of your life, and ask God for grace to live with that decision.

Let the older women and even the young ones who are married teach the newly wed and soon-to-be-married how to enjoy their marriage bed. Let husbands and wives communicate and patiently teach each other what they enjoy. Let’s not hide under the cloak of religion and “spirituality” while the devil makes fools of us. Why should the children of this world be wiser than the children of light?

God gave us all things to enjoy including sex, so once you are married, enjoy it very well and don’t apologize for doing so. I am by no means an authority, but God forbid that any of the girls I’ve encouraged to honour God with her body should end up incompetent in marriage because she waited. I tell you, it is not the honourable state of virginity that is to blame; it is the assumption that being a virgin or a Christian excuses you from learning what you should know at the right time. Let’s buy good books and read them; we can even start with the Song of Solomon. Let us examine marital sex in the light of God’s word. Let us be careful not to give Satan a foothold by rendering our spouses vulnerable to sexual temptation, for we are not ignorant of his devices…

Beyond Emotions

Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called “being in love” usually does not last. If the old fairy-tale ending “They lived happily ever after” is taken to mean “They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,” then it says what probably never was nor ever could be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be “in love” need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense–love as distinct from “being in love”–is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be “in love” with someone else. “Being in love” first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it. —C.S. Lewis

The Real Me

“This is the real me; am I the girl that you want me to be?”- Jaci Velasquez.

Last week my Significant Other said to me, “I found this perfume! When I smelt it, it reminded me of you, so I bought it.” I was eager to see it, not only for the reason that he has a knack for getting me gifts that are just right, but also because I couldn’t wait to find out what scent had “reminded” him of me.

When I finally did, I said, “Is this how you think of me in your nose?” He laughed and said yes. As usual, it got me thinking weird, faraway thoughts, about the funny phenomenon of seeing, hearing and generally perceiving people in certain ways. I remember mentioning to a friend of mine how I couldn’t believe a mutual friend of ours was now married and having sex. He said, “What, you thought she didn’t have a vagina?” I replied that she always seemed prudish, and now that she was married it was really weird. We laughed it away, but I was only half kidding. For real, how can a person so prim and proper be doing such a passionate, sweaty, messy thing?

When people meet me for the second time, (or the first time, if I’m with friends) they say to me, “Eeeen, Joy, so you can talk?” They say it so accusingly; as if I told them before that I was a quiet person. Ha!

It only goes to show how strong impressions and perceptions can be. There are basic assumptions we make about people, most times subconsciously, that come back to haunt us or cause problems in our relationships later.

There is indeed no art to find the mind’s construction in the face…or even in words. A certain pastor in a certain branch of my church always liked to hammer away at church youth about sexual purity and stuff, often ordering that sisters in trousers should be turned away at the door. You can imagine my chagrin when he raped my friend, taking her virginity and scarring her for life, and was not the least bit repentant or remorseful. Talk is so cheap!

When I first met my beau, before he asked me out, he invited me over to their house on Christmas day. I didn’t know him well at the time and since I am generally wary of visiting guys’ houses, I asked a friend of mine to look at him and tell me if he thought I should go, seeing as I wasn’t sure I could trust him. My friend said he understood, adding, “He looks funny abi? Like the kind of person who can do anything.” We laughed.

Well, needless to say he isn’t the way he “looked” to us back then. He can’t hurt a fly, and any guy who can be with me for two years and honour our mutual decision to wait till marriage deserves a medal. You cannot possibly know how naughty and devastatingly sexy I am by looking at my face. Yes, I say so myself. ROTFL!

People who look “innocent” or come across as “spiritual” or “holy” (you know what I mean) rarely ever are, and sometimes people who look “funny, like the kind of person who can do anything” turn out to have hearts of gold and amazing discipline.

Next time you are disappointed to find out that someone is not the way you perceived him or her to be, remember that it isn’t any fault of theirs, really. You imagined the halo. Let’s try not to set ourselves up for heartbreak, and let’s not put pressure on others by expecting them never to let us down. While we can’t help how we feel about a person’s vibes, we should be aware that our perceptions are just what they are, perceptions. That way, when life happens we can afford to pick our jaws up and not take it personal.

On a final note, my girlfriend Chocho says I remind her of Lindsay Lohan. Now, how weird is that? LOL.

Peace y’all!

Ever Feel Like Your Job is Ruining Your Relationship?

I came across this post by Cheryl Brody Franklin on Smitten, and I could sooo relate. Does anyone have helpful tips to share?

Tuesday, 10/13/2009 at 3:00 PM
Do you work such long hours that you spend more time at work than you do at home?

I loved my first job, but some nights I worked so late that I would come home, take a shower and go straight to bed. I didn't talk to anyone—not my mom, and not even my roommate. I just wanted peace and quiet...and my bed. I was lucky not to be dating anyone at the time because I don't think I ever would have been able to see him! I would have been a horrible girlfriend. Luckily, I put in my time, and I haven't had hours like that in years, but I have some friends who still have jobs just like that, and they'll probably have them for their entire career.

My friends who are investment bankers literally sleep at their offices for days at a time if they're working on a huge project. I always feel bad for their girlfriends—they suffer too because their boyfriends are so busy at work that they have no choice but to neglect people they love. It's sad, but I've seen many relationships deteriorate (and even break up) because of hectic jobs.

Do you have a super stressful job? Do you ever feel like your stress level or long hours are hurting your relationship? How do you balance it to make it work?

October Song

Somehow, every month, there seems to be a song that gets a hold of me and doesn't let go till everyone around me is sick of hearing it. Occasionally I get sick of it myself, and have to take a break. This month, however, it's the lyrics of Carolyn Arends' "Seize The Day" that got my juices flowing. I'm still in the throes, thought i'd share, so here:

I know a girl who was schooled in Manhattan
She reads dusty books and learns phrases in Latin
She is an author, or maybe a poet
A genius, but it's just this world doesn't know it
She works on her novel most everyday
If you laugh she will say

Chorus:
Seize the day – seize whatever you can
‘Cause life slips away just like hourglass sand
Seize the day – pray for grace from God's hand
Then nothing will stand in your way
Seize the day

Well I know a doctor, a fine young physician
Left his six figure job for a mission position
He's healing the sick in an African clinic
He works in the dirt and writes home to the cynics
He says, “We work through the night so most everyday
As we watch the sun rise we can say…

Chorus

I know a man who's been doing some thinking
He's as bitter and cold as the whiskey he's drinking
He's talking ‘bout fear, about chances not taken
If you listen to him you can hear his heart breaking
He says, “One day you're a boy and the next day you're dead
I wish way back when someone had said…

Chorus

Well one thing I've noticed wherever I wander
Everyone's got a dream he can follow or squander
You can do what you will with the days you are given
I'm trying to spend mine on the business of living
So I'm singing my songs off of any old stage
You can laugh if you want – I'll still say…

Chorus

Ready-Made Man

Who wants a ready-made man? Ok, who doesn’t? I spent time last weekend with a sweet young woman who recently became my friend, and as we shared our dreams and plans for the future, she told me she has no intention of working for anybody, and preferred to own a big shop instead. I thought it was a lovely idea, and even though I wondered how much she would make from that, I didn’t say anything because I’m not business oriented and there is a lot I don’t know.

But as she began to paint a picture of the shop, of its little room with two couches, a lovely rug, a TV set, a microwave (for the kids’ lunches) etcetera, I started to wonder where she would get the capital to start off in such a big way. Then, as if reading my mind she turned and said, “I have to marry a rich man oh!” Aha.

We spent the next two hours talking about our opinions, which turned out to be as different as night and day. It’s not like I want to marry a poor man, or that I mind a man who has money, but I don’t believe a man’s material possessions or lack thereof should be such a big issue in determining whether I’ll marry him or not. In the end we agreed to disagree. But in spite of that, I went away with some questions.

1) Is it wrong to want to marry a man who has (in her words) “made his money waaaay before he met you”?
2) Is it acceptable to say, “I am not ready to suffer with or for any man, they are not worth it?”
3) Does the fact that a guy doesn’t have a car mean that he is not ready to marry? (“How would we move around?" , she asked innocently)
4) How many of us are prepared to live without a Generator, deep freezer or microwave? How many of us even know how? (Do you know how to use firewood properly or how to smoke fish for preservation? Lol, half kidding!)
5) Are we talking about money and who pays for what in our relationships and courtships, or are we waiting to get married and be unpleasantly surprised that what you think is not what he thinks?

Answers anyone?

Wetin Wives Dey Do...Sef?

Have you ever wondered what makes one wife a “good wife” and another a “bad wife”? Parents, The Bible, the church, society and Nollywood have all done their part in creating the impressions we have of what a wife should and shouldn’t be. Yet I can’t help but wonder at times what a wife is required to be and do, and what she isn’t, especially when I hear certain stories, or come across certain things, like this excerpt from a book I read almost a decade ago, which I have posted below. Here goes.

“But I do not know any wives; I have always been with my father. If I marry him, what shall I have to do?”
“You must love him, honour him and obey him; you must study his interests, do all you can to help him, be patient with his faults, kind and gentle to him; you must see that his meals are ready at the proper time- that his clothes are nicely kept.”
“I see; it is just like being a kind of housekeeper.”
“No, Miss Diane, it is not exactly like that; you should try to keep his nooks, write his letters, read to him when he is tired.”
“Then it is like being a kind of secretary or clerk”, she said.
“Not exactly that,” said Mrs. Hopeton. “When he is dull you must cheer him; if he is downhearted amuse him; if any trouble comes you must teach him where to look for comfort; if he is tempted to do wrong you must guide him.”
“Then it is something like being a curate”, said Diane.
“A curate? No, not that.”
“But Mrs. Hopeton, do you mean that a wife has all that to do?! In that case it is useless for me to attempt to be a wife. I could not get through one-half of it.”
“Then”, said Mrs. Hopeton, “Content yourself with loving him. If you learn to do that, everything else will be well.”
- Married for Her Beauty (Bertha M Clay)

Am I the only one feeling the poor girl? Guys, what exactly do you think you are getting when you decide to make someone your wife? Girls, what do you think you are getting yourself into when you agree to become someone’s wife? For those “lucky” ones who are married, is it what you bargained for? I’d appreciate your honesty, cos I’m not getting any younger, and I’d really love to know, wetin wives dey do…sef?