Wednesday, November 24, 2010

If At First You Don't Succeed...

I've slipped. I started eating at 7:30, then 8pm and sometimes 8:30pm! I also started drinking with my beau most nights. I figured it wouldn't hurt. But it has. All the good work I'd previously done, all that success, small as it seemed, has gone to waste. Almost. My tummy fat is even more than it was before I started my diet. Since I'm learning not to dwell on where I fell but rather, where I slipped, here are the mistakes I made and how I intend to correct them.

1. Thinking that drinking sugar couldn't hurt that much afterall. It did hurt. Now that I know how much it was helping, I'm taking a 2nd look at my water only programme.

2. Eating heavy meals for dinner and thinking that eating them before 7pm made it okay. It's better to eat a light dinner, no matter the hour.

3.Not allowing myself room to enjoy sweet things. This only had the effect of backfiring and causing me to eat too many snacks and drink too much beverage when I eventually got my hands on them.

4. Ignoring my exercises. No matter how hard the crunches may look (and they only look hard cos I'm no longer fit) I have to do them. I have to try.

I'm going to measure myself now and write it down in a secret place. I will let you know how I feel and look after 2 weeks of good behaviour.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Here Comes the Bride: Why I’m Not Having a Church Wedding

Whenever someone hears me say I’m not having a “Church Wedding” they always gasp, eyes popping wide open and hands flying to the chest. Some think I’m deliberately trying to be contrary, to go against convention. After all, EVERYBODY has a church wedding! It’s just the way it’s done. How can you NOT have one?

Unless of course you are pregnant, in which case it is the church that has refused to wed you (and in which case, I suppose, you are DOOMED). “Are you pregnant?” they ask. No I’m not pregnant yet, and I don’t plan to be before the wedding. The thing is, as far as I’m concerned, the day my fiancé and his kinsmen come to pay my bride price, and my father and the rest of my family give me away to this man and his family, I’m married. That’s my wedding day. That’s the day I was married, the day I truly became my man’s wife; the day I will celebrate as my wedding anniversary for the rest of our life together. While most girls from a very young age (I’m told) dream of walking down the aisle in a long white dress, with bridesmaids and confetti, I never did. White is my least favourite colour, so bland and so boring, it’s almost physically painful to imagine spending a whole day wearing it.

However, I understand that we live in a society governed by laws, and I realise I have to sign papers. And my husband and I will do so after our wedding, in a registry with our friends and family present. I will take the necessary vows. “Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? Will you love him, honour him...” I will say “I do.” My husband and I will exchange rings as tokens of our love and commitment. We will be pronounced “Man and wife” and my husband will be asked to kiss his bride. We will eat, drink and celebrate this ceremony with loved ones.

After this, I will NOT take off my ring, put on a “wedding gown”, go to church and pretend to be just getting married. I will NOT take those vows again; I meant them the first time, thank you. My husband and I will not be “pronounced” man and wife again, when we are already man and wife. I will not do any of all those things people do simply because they do them.

Although my dad, himself an elder of the church, always says “the church has no business joining people”, I understand the desire for solemnisation which is undeniably deep-seated in every spiritual person. I do not deny this need in myself. That’s why a minister will be present on my wedding day, to bless our union after it has been sealed between both families.

I love church weddings. I love them because of the deep meaning they hold for the people who choose to have them. I’ve been on countless bridal trains, with joy and gladness and a very merry heart. These friends and loved ones honestly consider this day to be their wedding day, and I’m always glad and honoured to share the joys of a day so special to them. However, having such a day holds no such significance for ME. I attempted to plan a church wedding sometime ago. Lord have mercy, I never went through drearier motions! Only the happiness of my intended made it worth while.

Alas, that wedding never held; that marriage was never meant to be. Weeks have rolled into months and love’s flowers have bloomed again, only this time so divinely beautiful and so steeped in God’s peace. As I prepare to spend the rest of my life with my soul mate, I thank God daily that he not only understands the way I see weddings, he sees it the exact same way.

So, there will not be a church wedding. I am vaguely aware that there are some who will be disappointed, though I’m not sure why. I do not intend to apologise for being true to myself. Still, I can’t help but wonder, if I were to apologise, to whom exactly would my apology be directed anyway?

Thursday, October 28, 2010

How Far is Too Far? by John Thomas

How Far is Too Far? by John Thomas


Hello! Thanks for Boundless — I enjoy reading all the great articles! I have a question for one of your writers:

I'm a Christian college student raised in a traditional Southern family, and maybe I have an old-fashioned idea of modesty ... or maybe not. I've never dated and don't know what things are like, but my best friend, who I've always respected as being a strong Christian, recently became engaged; and I just met her fiancé the first time a few weeks ago. All they did while I was present was stand around hugging each other and whispering in each others' ears and kissing ... and I was shocked!

How much physical intimacy before marriage is too much, Biblically/morally/spiritually speaking? Am I just being a prude to think Christians (even engaged Christians) should show more physical restraint with each other, or does it just apply to intimacy ... em ... below the waist, I'll say? I don't really want to talk with my friend about this because I think she would take offense ... should I?


First, to address this couple specifically, I would say that if what they're doing in public seems inappropriate, then there's no telling what's going on in private. Generally, if it's behavior that distracts or seems out of place, then from a mere social standpoint (much less, Biblical) it's probably inappropriate. As I will go into more detail below, the apostle Paul said (and I'm paraphrasing) that what is merely permissible is not the goal for Christian behavior. The goal is what is beneficial or constructive (literally, promotes growth in Christian wisdom, grace, affection, virtue, holiness, blessedness). There's certain appropriate and inappropriate public affection, even for marrieds, and what benefits should be the target.

For example, it's heartwarming to see an older married couple holding hands in the park or sharing a little kiss to express their affection for one another, what I would call non-sexual touching and affection. Seeing that, rather than emotional and physical coldness, encourages us young couples. It's beneficial to everyone. My wife and I make sure to appropriately express, both physically and verbally, our love for one another in front of our children as a model for them. It makes them feel secure and is therefore a benefit.

On the other hand, it's disturbing when two people, whether married or unmarried (including engaged), are so physically engrossed in one another that it makes those around them feel awkward, which sounds like your friends. That's not beneficial. In your specific situation I would advise that you explain to your girlfriend that you are rejoicing with her in her excitement over her upcoming marriage, and that you're not being a prude, but that their physical expression toward one another makes things awkward for you.

Now, to address the how far is too far issue in regards to physical expression outside marriage (we could also address appropriate and inappropriate non-physical expression, but one thing at a time). If Boundless had a list of top 10 questions, this would probably be in the top five at least. Everybody wants to know where the line is between "OK-with-God" and "not-OK-with-God" on the physical intimacy scale. Different Boundless writers have various opinions on it, but no matter where we draw the line, someone will want to know how close to that line is OK. If I say, for instance, no touching, em, below the belt, then someone will want to know how close to "the belt" is OK (and assume that "above" is fine). If I say, no passionate kissing, then someone will say, "define passionate." If I say, no holding hands, then someone will say I'm crazy.

So, no matter what I say about specific, physical boundaries outside marriage, I'm caught in a swirling mess of degrees of physical touch that demands a finite set value. Can I go to first base? Second? Third? If not Home Base can I go three-fifths of the way between Third and Home? On and on it goes. We seem to be much more concerned about how close to "NOT OK" we can get and still "BE OK." We are obsessed with what can we legally get away with, how close to the line can we get, and that's where we want to set up camp. I wish I could just say use common sense, but one reader recently sent us a note saying that although he and his girlfriend do not have sex, they enjoy cuddling nude with one another, so apparently common sense is not enough.

But we're not asking the right question. The question should not be "how far is too far?" but rather, "what builds up, honors, and promotes growth?" If we would only ask and answer that, we'll be so far from the lines we need not worry. The apostle Paul dealt with the same issues a couple thousand years ago. Christians in Corinth were wrestling over boundary lines about what food and drink and behavior was OK. As I mentioned above, Paul responded by urging the Corinthians to not be so concerned with what is permissible, rather, he said, concern yourself with what is beneficial.

Obsession with degrees is immature. Christian maturity, as Paul describes it, is evidenced by concern with what is beneficial, what promotes godliness, what glorifies God, and with relationships what honor her and honor him and the community around them. If, he said, we would rightly focus on what benefits God and others rather than on how close to the line we can get and still not sin, we are mature Christians. The immature need lines, and lines around those lines. The mature are so far away from the lines, they're not even thinking about the lines.

Lines are important and we need them while we grow into maturity. I draw boundary lines for my preschool children because they're immature, they lack knowledge. I have to tell them not to play beyond our driveway because the street can be dangerous, even deadly. My 4-year-old son is obsessed with how close he can get his toes to the street when he's standing at the end of our driveway. "So where exactly does the street begin, Daddy?"

I'm trying to teach him about the danger of getting hit by a car and all he wants to talk about is where the driveway ends and the street begins. He's missing all the fun he could have on the driveway by obsessing over the line.

The Bible draws a bright line, as to physical touch, at sexual intercourse outside of marriage (and at lust, I might add). So of course, everyone wants to know what exactly is meant by sexual intercourse. Genital sex only? Vaginal? Is oral sex included? Mutual masturbation? Holding hands? Light kissing? French kissing? And once they get an answer to that, they're off to see how close they can get to it without stepping over.

I'll repeat what you've heard a thousand times: at a certain point of intimacy (physical and non-physical), the engine begins getting warmed up for sex. That place might be different for you than where it is for your mate and change depending on the circumstances. Wherever it is, the whole process is a progression toward sex. When the engine warms up, and you're not married, you're a 4-year-old playing on a busy street — it's only a matter of time. Draw lines where you need them and then strive to grow into maturity — where you and others are "built up" by your behavior, both sexual and non-sexual.


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If you have a question you'd like John to consider for this column, please send it to Please note that all questions selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family

Monday, October 11, 2010

Happy Birthday, Hi There Diet!

After a nice weekend and a lovely birthday on Saturday, I'm back! I took a break from my diet over the weekend, drinking malt at 3am and eating chicken at night. Now Monday is here and we're back again and even stricter. No slacking!

Friday, October 8, 2010

What If His People Prayed?

Oh what peace we often forfeit! Oh what needless pain we bear! All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

Somewhere in the far recesses of my mind, I remember wonderful experiences of prayers answered. I'm not just talking about God's abounding love and mercy, or His protection and the blessings He freely gives. I'm talking about times when ordinary people like me, my family and my friends connected with the divine and received direct responses to the outpouring of our hearts; salvation for loved ones, provision of physical needs, wisdom, guidance, direction, healing, favour with people, and even the disappearance of pimples!

God reached down when we cried out to Him and calmed troubled spirits, opened closed doors, met needs and said "this is the way, walk in it."

When I fail to pray, I notice that I make myself weak and susceptible to depression and negative thought patterns. Fear comes as it always does, but at these times it finds a place to stay and grow. I start to lose consciousness of God's intense love and perfect plan for me, not to mention suffering actual lack or living in less-than-perfect conditions. Also I must add, from experience I've found that it is impossible, and I mean impossible, for a prayerless Christian to be a fruit-bearing Christian.

Once again I will prime the pump of my prayer life. While I agree that we need to find out why we slow down in our prayers or stop altogether, and how we can build ourselves up again, I enjoin us to do something that always works- JUST PRAY. NOW.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Inching Along

The diet adjustment is going quite well. I'm dying for a malt drink, but I take a look at my tummy and say, "I will survive." The major challenge is in the drinking of the water, a tasteless liquid of which I have never been a fan. Note to self: DRINK WATER!

Honey and I are in the process of replacing our evening snack-bonding sessions with exercise-bonding sessions on weekends; dance exercises on friday evenings and long walks together on saturday and sunday evenings. This plan, when firmly established, will make me deliriously happy for more reasons than I can name. For one thing, exercising with him motivates me to exercise by myself when he's not there. And you don't want to know what a high it is to watch him dance so deliciously. The cool evening air is also great, as is just being with him and listening to him.

However I must add that watching him snack and drink our favourite cranberry juice at night is NOT fun. Waaah! Waaah!

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Carried Away- A Journey Completed

I just reached the end of one of the most enlightening, exciting, inspiring and poignant journeys of my life; The complete six seasons of Sex and The City. For weeks and weeks I've laughed, cried and learned with Carrie Bradshaw and her friends.

I'm so grateful I didn't let the title put me off; I would have missed out on an indescribably magnificent experience, one that nothing and no one can touch or take away from me.

I'm a better human being, a better writer, a better PR practitioner, a better woman and a better lover for having seen the world through your eyes, Carrie Bradshaw.

And I'm a better Christian. Fabulous, intelligent and inspiring as you were, you didn't have a relationship with God, didn't ever feel the everlasting arms beneath you, didn't know the joy of pouring out your heart in prayer, the confidence that comes from knowing that Someone is watching over you and that you're part of a big, beautiful, divine plan. I have all of these, and I see more clearly than ever how blessed I am to know Jesus. What excuse have I now?

I pray God gives me the grace to not make your unwise choices, and to embrace your wise ones. The same goes for you Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte, because in the end it all comes down to one simple truth; there, but for the grace of God, go I.

The Uncompleted Book Journey

A most embarrassing thing has happened to me- I've been reading ONE book for over 2 months! All the while I thought it was me; that I had lost my inner reader or that I was giving priority to other things instead of my reading, which is essential to my well being both as a person and as a writer.

After 2 months of struggling and a pile of over 10 books waiting to be read, I realised the problem isn't me. The problem isn't even the television. The problem is this particular book, Eat Pray Love. I started enthusiastically, with such high hopes and a plan to finish the book before August 14th when the movie hit the cinemas, and then somewhere in the middle, it began to drag unbearably.

I've decided to do what I should have done a long time ago; drop it and pick up one of the other books. I always felt a sense of failure whenever I found myself unable to finish a book, something which has happened to me twice, with Coming Home and Wanderlust, both by Danielle Steele.

I now accept that this is not my fault. It is not my lack of patience or willpower, neither has my love of reading waned. It just means that the book in question and Joy Edoriagba are not meant to be.

I will now start reading Marian Keyes' Under the Duvet. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Spoil Sport Glo Blackberry

I couldn't blog today because my internet browser stopped working, for reasons best known to the Glo Nigeria Blackberry Service. Tomorrow is another day!

Monday, September 27, 2010

For The Love of Sexy

I've decided to embark on a trial two-week "water only" journey. This means that from Wednesday 22nd Sept 2010 to Wednesday 6th October 2010, water is my beverage of choice; no malt, no juice, no wine, just water. This decision is the result of the alarming rate at which my already big tummy has been growing since I stopped working over a month ago. I woke up one day and realised that I now have love handles. Eeew!!

In honour of my beloved sexy fitted tops I've also decided to cut out my equally beloved bread from my diet, and can no longer enjoy late night snacking with my beau; all eating stops at 7pm.

This is a big blow for me, because our late night snacking, be it on suya or pastries, had become a bonding ritual for both of us. I can only hope that the flatness of my tummy, which I plan to show off on my wedding night, will say to me, "it's all worth it."

Sunday, September 26, 2010

My Blog, Oh My Blog!

I haven't posted anything since July. Although it has taken me a while to get my act together, I think I'm on the right track now. Faithful, daily blogging begins tomorrow. I'm committed!

Friday, July 9, 2010

Tell It Not In Gath

Tell it not in Gath, publish it not in the streets of Askelon; lest the daughters of the Philistines rejoice, lest the daughters of the uncircumcised triumph. 2 Sam 1: 20.

I recently noticed a new buzz on the internet, especially in the Christian blogosphere. Everywhere I looked it seemed another Christian couple was giving up on their marriage. I saw it in my daily devotionals, in my weekly newsletters, in Christian e-magazines; everyone talking about and analyzing the whys and wherefores of different ministers’ divorces- Pastors Paula and Randy White divorcing after 18 years (each for the second time, they all echo), the end of Prophetess Juanita Bynum’s marriage to Bishop Weeks (her second too, they are quick to remind us), the Kimberly and Fred Hammond divorce after 20 years of marriage, and most recently, Suzanne and Benny Hinn’s divorce after 31 years of marriage. And while we are at it, they urge on, let’s not forget the end of Yolanda Adams’ (2nd) marriage, or Amy Grant’s divorcing her husband of 16 years to marry country singer Vince Gill, or Jaci Velasquez’s divorce after being married for only 2 years.

These writers and bloggers have no idea just how much the constant repetition and recycling of all this wonderful “news” makes me want to dash to the altar and pledge my unending love and faithfulness to someone till death do us part.

Why do the salt of the earth and the light of the world do this? It is bad enough that the words of Jesus concerning grounds for divorce now seem to mean nothing, and we can now divorce and remarry citing “irreconcilable differences” once, twice, and even thrice. But must we broadcast it? Must we wash our dirty linen in public? Have we nothing better to do on the internet than provide “Christian divorces” results for search engines?

We should be hanging our heads in shame and pouring our hearts out in prayer. But no, we’d rather prattle on and on about how our divorced brothers and sisters have sinned, how they’ve let us down (ha!), how they are accountable to us and owe us an explanation, etcetera, etcetera…

Yes, it is disturbing that Rev John Hagee divorced the wife of his youth, Martha, and has been married to his present wife Diane for 34 years, and puzzling that God hasn’t struck them both with thunder. But isn’t it beautiful that Cece Winans & Alvin Love, Kenneth & Gloria Copeland and Mark & Darlene Zscech have been married for decades despite the inevitable friction that comes with marriage? Isn’t it noteworthy that Joni and Rod Parsley have kept their promise to never to mention the “D” word in the now 23 years of their marriage? Doesn’t Paul Adefarasin’s passionate love for Ifeanyi, his wife of 15 years, inspire hope? Does the magic that Fela and Tara Durotoye are still making 9 years on count for nothing? Isn’t it wonderful that Serita is still the first lady of TD Jakes’ heart after 29 years of marriage? Why can’t we write about that instead? Maybe we take it for granted because “that’s how it should be anyway, so what’s the big deal?” If this is the case then I recommend that we all just shut up and mind our own business.

If I open my email box and see another Christian divorce story, I just might pull out all my hair, God have mercy on me! Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, let us think, publish and blog about these things.

Monday, June 28, 2010

The Concubine

“You asked me not to wear cologne; she’ll know you been with me alone, and you can’t take our secret home, so you ask me not to wear cologne.” ~ Dolly Parton, Cologne

For as long as I can remember, I have been fascinated by the phenomenon called The Other Woman. Still, it has taken me a long time to even begin to understand her; her many faces, her many sides, the different roads she’s had to walk. What kind of person sleeps with someone else’s husband? What kind of monster is this accomplice to the horrible crime that is the destruction of the precious dreams of a once hopeful bride? What kind of woman creeps, sashays or lets herself be drawn into a man’s life, wreaking havoc ranging from minimal to colossal, and even altering the course of his children’s lives?

I had a chat recently with a much older pal of mine whose wife and kids, for reasons best known to him, live in the UK while he lives here in Nigeria. He told me he’s looking for a “wifey” and asked if I had any nice friends who are “like me” that he could “build something solid” with. Now, I’ve shed most of the naïveté for which I used to be known, but I still couldn’t help being perplexed at the ease, and dare I say, sincerity with which he made this request. He truly didn’t look like he meant any harm!

Our talk got me thinking, as I am often wont to (having grown up amongst men for whom extramarital affairs are the norm), about the mistress. It is unlikely that we will ever completely understand her, because she is a woman and she is many women, but here are some bits and pieces I’ve found out in the course of my living, reading and listening.

1. Sometimes, she doesn’t know he is married. An acquaintance of mine recently started to fall for a charming guy who had some business to do in her office. The sparks appeared to be flying both ways for a few weeks, until she heard him mention his child. So she asked him, “Are you married”? He went, “Err, well, actually…” and then left her with the vague impression that he at least had a “baby mama”. So she said to me “Joy, what does this mean? Is he married or isn’t he?” I told her what she already knew; with such questions, anything except a clear, confident “No” is a “Yes”. But imagine with me that the subject hadn’t come up, she hadn’t asked him, she started dating him, got hooked on him…

2. She knows he is married and she doesn’t give a shit, or is too far gone to care. We all know some variant of this woman. She needs to be in a relationship and your husband is available. She gets the benefits of a relationship, a shoulder to lean on and sexual partner, without washing boxers, missing girls’ night out, attending to in-laws or otherwise taking up an excessive amount of time. Maybe she needs financial assistance and services your husband in return. After all in her best selling book, Having It All, Cosmopolitan’s international editor-in-chief, Helen Gurley Brown writes, “I don’t know how a girl can survive without the occasional married man to tide her through the rough times.”

Again, it could be that your husband is just the straying type and he got “lucky” and found a woman without scruples. In fact, in this one’s mind you should be grateful because she is doing you a favour by reducing your “workload”. Or maybe she just likes handsome, charming, intelligent or powerful men and unfortunately for you, your husband is one or more of the above. Or she is the woman my aforementioned acquaintance could have been; she didn’t know he was married in the beginning and now that she knows, it is too late. She’s resigned to her fate. The sun and moon rise in his eyes, and like the Whitney Houston song goes, “A few stolen moments is all that we share, you've got your family, and they need you there. Though I've tried to resist, being last on your list but no other man's gonna do, so I'm saving all my love for you.” The Outrageous Millie Jackson encourages further,

“Mama and Daddy
Say it's a shame
It's a downright disgrace
But long as I got
You by my side
I don't care what people say
My friends tell me it's no future
In lovin' a married man
If I can't see you when I want
I'll have to see you when I can
If lovin' you is wrong
I don't want to be right…

Sometimes though, she isn’t exactly resigned…

3. She believes him when he says he’ll divorce you and marry her. She hopes, prays, works and lives for that great day when your husband will make an honest woman of her. It is the thought of this day that helps her get through the other days when her conscience is weighed down with the burden of this terrible thing she is doing. You see, sometimes, she knows you, maybe even respects you. She may see you often and even chat with you. You may consider her your friend, your sister or even think she’s a daughter to you and your husband. But he has whispered in her ears while they were in bed, about how she is all the things you’ll never be, how all he needs is a little time to sort things out and then they will live together happily ever after and everything will be alright. Sometimes to her way of thinking, she actually deserves this because…

4. She loved him before you did. These two have history “as long as Calabar-Itu Road”, as a friend likes to say. Maybe they dated and things didn’t work out for some reason. Maybe they were even teenage sweethearts who lacked the maturity to sustain their precious, innocent love. Or maybe they didn’t even date and to him she’s The One Who Got Away or the “best girlfriend I never had.” Well, they’ve found each other now and it’s just too bad for you and too good for them…almost.

5. They’ll get what’s coming to them. Whether you find this comforting or not, whether it happens the way you want it to or not, this is a fact. It may be that you neglected your husband, turned him down too often, let yourself go physically, lacked wisdom in your church activity involvement, put the children before him…it doesn’t make his adultery right. Whether you think it’s your fault or not, they have both sinned against you, and against God. Therefore, unless they put an end to it and repent, they’re gonna get it. Do your best to win back your husband. Pray, get back in shape, revamp your wardrobe, cook up a storm, whatever you know your husband’s thing is, draw on God’s grace and keep doing it. You can’t afford not to try.

But alas this is life; sometimes you do your best and your best is not good enough. Take heart. Call it karma, nemesis, retribution, judgment, whatever. The truth remains, “Be not deceived, for God is not mocked; whatsoever a man sows, the same shall he also reap.” It is a natural law. It may take time, but it will happen. I hope that makes you feel better. If it doesn’t, I know someone who knows some baaaad Ijaw boys who can attend to that woman and “treat her fuck up.” Now if only two wrongs could make a right…

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Frankly Speaking

I know Easter is around the corner and some of us are fasting, most of us sober and all of us contemplating the Cross of our Lord, but I want to talk about sex, so please excuse me. Thanks. Wondering what brought this on? You can blame Sandra Bullock’s husband Jesse James, whom we know I’ve been pissed at since the news of his cheating broke. This isn’t exactly about him though. People who know me well are aware that I have issues with the church for neglecting their role in “sex education” and allowing the Devil to take advantage of our zealousness to obey God’s word. In case you are wondering what I mean, I’ll cut to the chase; I’m talking about ministers and mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters who rightly advocate sexual purity before marriage, only to leave their work unfinished as young people enter marriage without having been schooled on issues pertaining to the marriage bed. Before you argue that your church is different, let me clarify that I’m not referring to all churches. However, I’m sure you’ll agree with me that even those churches that include sex classes don’t go in depth. Again, I’m not generalizing.
A few years ago I was very persistently pursued by a backsliding young man who had been married to a lovely and lovable Christian wife for 2 years. When I asked him why on earth he would want to cheat on her, he told me she wasn’t satisfying him. She’s beautiful, she’s a great cook, she keeps a clean house and is successful in her career, but she just wasn’t forthcoming in bed. I told him I don’t do other peoples’ husbands, and advised him to go for counseling with his wife and he quickly told me he had brought it up but she refused. Much as I wanted to close the subject, my curiosity got the better of me and I asked him what made him think I would be any better than his wife. He said, “I can see it in you, you have the flair.” And then he proceeded to break my heart by telling me that his wife was a virgin when he married her and attempting to blame her less than satisfactory sexual performance on that. Oh God, I nearly lost it. I called him out on it, letting him know that as a youth minister advocating sexual purity before marriage is part of my calling and practicing it is a way of life for me, but it hurt to know that abstinence before marriage equals a boring, unsatisfactory sex life. This should not be so.
I know so many husbands who have strayed because their wives were unable to satisfy them, and while it is not an excuse to cheat, it is a reality. When some people suggested that Jesse cheated on Sandra with that tattoo-covered woman because she could give him what Sandra could not, everything within me revolted against the idea. I refused to consider it even when I was reminded of the perfectionist desperate housewife Bree Van De Kamp whose husband carried on an affair despite his deep love for her, because had desires he couldn’t share with her. “That skank cannot hold a candle to Sandra Bullock in any way”, I protested.
Suddenly this afternoon I remembered that Jesse’s former wife Janine Lindemulder is an ex-porn star, and a light bulb went on in my head. Was it possible that there were things he was used to getting from Janine that Sandra wasn’t into? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this same old problem was here again. Man wants something, wife will not consent, skank will help her do the job.
Only sometimes, wife would do it if only husband would ask. Sometimes, wife would do it if only she knew how to. Sometimes wife would do it if someone could convince her it’s not wrong. And sometimes, the other woman is not a skank. She’s simply a woman who has mastered the art of willingly and enthusiastically giving a perfect blowjob, or a woman who has learnt to ask for sex instead of always waiting to be asked. Sometimes she’s a woman who has accepted her God-given body and does not always require the lights to be off. Sometimes she’s a woman who has learnt to say “no” sparingly and caringly.
Pastor Paul Adefarasin once told the men in his church who had played the field before receiving Christ, that they should not expect the nice sister they married in church to be like “Naughty Nancy” (his own words) they used to know in the world. Fair advice, but I have to ask, “why sef?” In the words of Rev Mrs. Funmi Akingbade, “Why is your husband’s mistress the one who is hot in bed? Why are you, who have the Holy Ghost, cold?” This is becoming another long post.
Let us hear the conclusion of the matter. The Bible says in Proverbs 5:18-21,
18 May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.
20 Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife?
21 For a man's ways are in full view of the LORD, and he examines all his paths.
Sisters, make we co-operate abeg. Sex in marriage is not an “unfruitful work of darkness”. Before you marry someone, be sure to discuss your preferences and if one person agrees to forego something, he/she shouldn’t expect, or put pressure on, the other person to change his or her mind after marriage. Decide if you are willing to live without xyz for the rest of your life, and ask God for grace to live with that decision.
Let the older women and even the young ones who are married teach the newly wed and soon-to-be-married how to enjoy their marriage bed. Let husbands and wives communicate and patiently teach each other what they enjoy. Let’s not hide under the cloak of religion and “spirituality” while the devil makes fools of us. Why should the children of this world be wiser than the children of light?
God gave us all things to enjoy including sex, so once you are married, enjoy it very well and don’t apologize for doing so. I am by no means an authority, but God forbid that any of the girls I’ve encouraged to honour God with her body should end up incompetent in marriage because she waited. I tell you, it is not the honourable state of virginity that is to blame; it is the assumption that being a virgin or a Christian excuses you from learning what you should know at the right time. Let’s buy good books and read them; we can even start with the Song of Solomon. Let us examine marital sex in the light of God’s word. Let us be careful not to give Satan a foothold by rendering our spouses vulnerable to sexual temptation, for we are not ignorant of his devices…

Beyond Emotions

Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called “being in love” usually does not last. If the old fairy-tale ending “They lived happily ever after” is taken to mean “They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,” then it says what probably never was nor ever could be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be “in love” need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense–love as distinct from “being in love”–is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be “in love” with someone else. “Being in love” first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it. —C.S. Lewis