Friday, August 26, 2011



By Joy Edoriagba

1. Do try not to expect anything from anyone- that way you’re not disappointed. If you make plans based on money you’re expecting from family and friends, you may sadly find that some are unable to give you as much as you expected, and others unable to give you anything at all. Cut your coat according to your fabric; anything else that comes in is a nice bonus 

2. Don’t start planning your wedding until you both have agreed on a budget based on thorough research. Recently married friends are especially helpful here.

3. Do paint a clear picture of your wedding before you start planning. Will it be a big affair with lots of pomp or a simple blessing ceremony in the pastor’s office? Will you have a reception or give out take-away packs of food and drinks instead? Will you have a big Traditional Wedding and a quiet Church Wedding, or vice-versa? Will it be a one-day, two-day or three-day affair? Will you have a bridal train or just your maid of honour and best man? Will you include children in your bridal train? If you will, who should be in charge of coordinating them? And so on...

4. Don’t leave out pre-marital counselling, whether you are wedding in a church or not. Even if you’ve read a trillion books and believe you know everything, the importance of pre-marital counselling cannot be overemphasised. This isn’t Jand or Yankee. This is Naija. Trust me; you’ll learn things you never knew you never knew.

5. Do identify the key players in both families (actually, the four families- maternal and paternal relatives on both sides), and ensure that you carry them along and seek their opinion regularly. It’s no use pretending that they are not that important or that the wedding is/should be about both of you and your immediate families. We are Africans, and that kind of stubborn independence will only see your wedding date, wedding colours and seating arrangements changed 20 times.

6. Don’t do anything because people are doing it; do what gives you joy. My colleague Bukola is getting married on the same day as I am. She’s giddy with happiness just looking forward to seeing her guests wearing her wedding aso-ebi (uniform). Yours truly, on the other hand, would hate nothing more than to look around and see guests at my wedding looking so identical. Bukola told me herself that I am lucky to be free from the aso-ebi buying and selling stress; even so she wouldn’t give it up for anything! You get the point?

7. Do make sure that your Church is licensed, if you’re getting married in a church. Otherwise, (I’m sure your pastors will inform you) make sure you do your registry wedding and then the Blessing of Marriage Ceremony afterwards. There is nothing like “Church Wedding”; there’s the Traditional Marriage which is under Customary Law, and there’s Marriage under The Act which is done in a government registry or a licensed place of worship. If your church isn’t licensed and you “wed” there, you’re not legally married, and that pretty paper they give you is just that- pretty paper.

8. Don’t forget about your friends. Regardless of whether they are married or single, true friends can help you remember what’s truly important when you’re feeling overwhelmed, and their counsel is invaluable. They can help you plan, raise funds, shop, and all the other nice things friends do for friends. They also help to make sure your life isn’t on hold just because you’re getting married (have you typed those notes your boss wanted? Have you called up the guest speaker for the next Youth Fellowship meeting? Have you even eaten today? Aha.) I’m assuming of course, that you can differentiate real friendship from growing up together, meeting and playing on Facebook, being old school mates, or things like that.

9. Do make sure that your maid of honour knows exactly what you need her to do. Even on your Traditional Wedding day, she is your personal assistant. Write notes/lists for her so she knows what to keep an eye on. Having someone who knows you well supervising things will help ensure that there are no photos of you craning your neck and frowning.

10. Don’t despair if you find that you’re no longer excited about your wedding. Sometimes this happens because you realise it’s not your wedding anymore (even though you and/or your fiancĂ© may be paying for it all), and you just want to be married to the man of your dreams and get on with your life together. At times like this, throwing a “wedding” for other people may seem like an obligatory, albeit irritating, waste of time and money, but be encouraged; you are not alone, and this too shall pass.

11. Do watch out for the “I’m already married” feeling that settles over you after your Introduction. Standing before your parents, siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, friends and in-laws to be and publicly declaring “Yes, I accept this man, I will marry him” is a deeply moving, and binding experience that will make you vulnerable to the most intense sexual temptations you may have had to face. If you do not look at his handsome face and repeat, “He is not yet my husband; he is not yet my husband” as many times as possible, you may end up ruining all your hard work over the years (or months) by stealing from your wedding night, or starring in your very own Nollywood movie- The Pregnant Bride.

12. Don’t let anything weigh you down! Have you sinned? Repent and get back on your feet. Have you grown too fat for your dress? There are solutions; Google can help you find them. Does the whole planning thing seem overwhelming? It won’t last forever. Are your new in-laws annoying you? Pray, smile and bear it; this is part of reverencing your husband, which the Bible instructs us to do (thinking of his “darlingness” at such annoying times really, really helps.) There’s grace enough for you!

Hope this helps. Congratulations!

Naija Brides! What did I leave out?

Thursday, August 4, 2011


@KevinWithanL posted on Twitter, #WriteAnEssayOn why Emeka Ike considers himself sexy and win a 3 month subscription to GQ or Cosmo magazine.

I had a stressful day and I needed the release so I decided to write the offence to Mr. Emeka Ike.

Did Emeka Ike become Nollywood’s leading man because he was sexy, or did he become sexy because he was Nollywood’s leading man? This kind of question is what is known as “chicken and egg question” or “JAMB question.” However, for the purpose of this article, we must blame it on Nollywood.

There is the general, albeit erroneous assumption that TDH- “Tall, Dark and Handsome” is what all women desire. Furthermore, when an older woman gets her hands on this kind of man, she won’t give him up without a fight. This is the kind of sexy young man the producers of the English subtitled Igbo movie, Deadly Affair, wanted for the role of Ikechukwu- the sexy, handsome young man on whom the cougar Isabella (Dolly Unachukwu) would cast her lustful gaze and lay her claws. For reasons we may never get to find out, Emeka Ike was chosen for this role, which of course implied, at least to him, that he was sexy.

Emeka Ike is relatively tall, and he’s also dark skinned. In his heyday, his teeming female fans formed the habit of swooning and fawning over him; my aunt never failed to comment excessively on his lovely eyes (don’t ask me), and this kind of behaviour, kept up for an amazing period of time, cemented Mr Ike’s status as “handsome”. The movie roles were rolling in.

Every movie producer wanted Emeka Ike as their leading man. To further inflate his already large ego, they kept on pairing him with beautiful, sexy women. He’s starred beside Omotola Jalade, Rita Dominic, Chioma Chukwuka and of course, Genevieve Nnaji, with whom he acted in almost 10 movies. In fact at that time, it seemed as if Emeka and Genevieve were the only actors in Nollywood. Understandably, the more Emeka looked at and starred beside these sexy women, the more he thought himself sexy. And in the eyes of his fans he became sexy by association, a sorry phenomenon which only served to perpetuate the myth.

We must remember that with all these movie roles came some good money; at his peak Emeka Ike was reputed to be Nollywood’s highest paid actor. Money, as we know, creates a certain brand of pseudo-sexiness to which Naija babes are particularly susceptible. And the effect this has on someone who has come to be considered “sexy” is so astounding that it can only be observed not imagined or reported. As such, the Emeka Ike we knew when he debuted in Deadly Affair was not the same Emeka Ike playing rich guy disguised as poor guy with Chioma Chukwuka (Disguise) and Rita Dominic (Sweet Love).

To make an already bad situation worse, women responded to this “sexiness” or at least pretended to. They hailed and applauded Emeka’s sex appeal even if only in his own ears, so much so that when a HINTS Magazine writer asked Emeka in an interview if he thought he was romantic, our dear actor not only responded along the lines of “of course I am”, he proceeded to tell the writer that if he kissed a tree, the tree would tremble. The relationship between being romantic and eliciting sexual response from a tree still beats me, and the cockiness floating up out of the pages of that interview left me convinced that nothing was going to rob Emeka Ike of his Mr. Sexy status.

Apparently, sexiness and sex appeal were all Emeka could think of, so much so that romance and sex appeal had become one and the same to him. The more he thought himself sexy, the more producers and fans considered him sexy. Soon enough, the situation had spiralled out of control. Emeka Ike was sexy and there was nothing anyone could do about it. Unfortunately, the worst was yet to come.

Friends don’t let friends talk to ugly boys (unless said ugly boy is rich, and even then, some friends won’t be moved). Mrs Ike’s friends allowed Emeka Ike to not only talk to their friend, but date her and make her his for life, and as far as we know she was pleased to go with him. To Emeka’s way of thinking, it’s very difficult for an ugly, unsexy man to get a beautiful lady to fall for him, much less marry him. If she’s fair skinned, it’s much more difficult. If this beautiful woman is actually half-caste, then you have to be a hot, sexy guy to get her as your wife. Emeka Ike married “oyinbo”. By achieving this feat, he has proven to all his detractors that he IS sexy. And that, as they say, is that.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Working Out Gentleness

I just finished my 4th lesson at the driving school. I can only say that learning to drive is making me a better person; hopefully a gentle Joy will emerge. Vivacious, spontaneous and fun-loving are words that describe me. Gentle, deliberate and careful do not. And yet it's in me- I know because Gentleness is a fruit of God's Holy Spirit who dwells in me. I just need to work it out.

Now my instructor has acquired a litany, a string of reminders he chants daily that goes something like this- "Don't forget your foot on the accelerator. Remember to clutch down fully. Joy, concentrate. Don't accelerate too much Joy! Change the gears gently. Don't turn your steering so sharply. Don't throw your foot off the clutch, remove it gradually..."

Sigh. It is well.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Drive, Baby, Drive!

Today I finally got round to another thing I've been putting off- driving lessons. Gosh! I never imagined it was so complex. I kept forgetting my foot on the accelerator, trying to change gears without clutching down and looking too long in the mirror! At least I started and moved a car for the first time in my life. :) I pray tomorrow will be better.

Monday, July 18, 2011


I'm not feeling great right now. For reasons I'm not fully aware of, i've been putting off tests to ascertain my blood group and genotype. Both my parents are O+ so I was pretty sure neither me nor my brothers could be anything else. I also concluded that my genotype was AA, for no reason at all than that I liked the genotype and thought it should be mine.

In previous serious relationships my partners had asked me what my genotype was, and when I said i didn't know, they usually closed the conversation along the lines of "well, i'm AA so whatever..." so you see, it was never an issue until much later. Any way, i finally got round to having the tests done and while I was right about being O+, it also turns out i'm AS.

I can't believe it. I can't even take in what this means. Like, if things had been different I could have been this close to marrying an AS man I loved, who totally adored me, and then found out i'm AS too and then...? There is only one person on earth who could come close to understanding the full implication of this.

I can only say it's been reckless of me not to have found out earlier. And I suppose i should be grateful i'll not have to live with the pain of what could have been. But right now i'm in shock. Maybe i'll feel better in the morning. Sheesh!!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Speak Those Things

There are so many voices telling us negative things about ourselves. Sometimes they are even the voices of loved ones. And as if to make things worse, circumstances may seem to confirm these things, at least at present.

At times like this, you should look to the Word of God, and remind yourself of what God says about you, because that's the truth, and that is what matters. Let God's Spirit light up your own spirit. Speak truth to yourself today.

I am wise. I am beautiful. I am worth my weight in gold.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Not My Business - Niyi Osundare

Not My Business - Niyi Osundare

They picked Akanni up one morning
Beat him soft like clay
And stuffed him down the belly
Of a waiting jeep.

What business of mine is it
So long they don't take the yam
From my savouring mouth?

They came one night
Booted the whole house awake
And dragged Danladi out,
Then off to a lengthy absence.

What business of mine is it
So long they don't take the yam
From my savouring mouth?

Chinwewent to work one day
Only to find her job was gone:
No query, no warning, no probe -
Just one neat sack for a stainless record.

What business of mine is it
So long they don't take the yam
From my savouring mouth?

And then one evening
As I sat down to eat my yam
A knock on the door froze my hungry hand.
The jeep was waiting on my bewildered lawn
Waiting, waiting in its usual silence.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Breaking News: Sex Makes Babies!!!

I love my sister Jennifer Fulwiler, not just because of the blood that bought us both, but because of the way her mind works; she has a beautiful way of coming to knowledge, and a delicious way of chronicling her journeys. She used to be an atheist and now she's orthodox catholic. She blogs about this at but the article that had me blissed out today was one she contributed to America Magazine on how she went from being Pro Choice to being Pro Life. Below is an excerpt:

"All my life, the message I had heard loud and clear was that sex was for pleasure and bonding, that its potential for creating life was purely tangential, almost to the point of being forgotten. This mind-set became the foundation of my views on abortion. Because I saw sex as being by default closed to the possibility of life, I thought of unplanned pregnancies as akin to being struck by lightning while walking down the street—something totally unpredictable and undeserved that happened to people living normal lives."

I laughed and laughed. It was an honest article, and her sincerity and intelligence I can't help but find endearing. Talk about loving the LORD your God with your mind! She was on point at every paragraph, and I'm both entertained and encouraged. You can find the article here -

Happy reading!

Friday, April 1, 2011

Premarital Sex Redefined

Does the Bible really say that premarital sex is sin even when you're going to marry the person?

The problem with Christianity today is that we don't take time to study the Bible in its original context. If you take time to study the old testament in Hebrew and in the Jewish context, and the New Testament in Greek and against the backdrop of the society at that time, you will definitely come away with a better understanding of sacred text. You will also realise that there is precious little you can do to change God's Word.

Premarital sex is sin, whether you intend to marry the person or not.

Hahaha! Don't you just wish! April Fool! Happy April Fool's day to you!!! I love you all, thanks for reading my blog!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

For John Chijioke

When I go, don't cry for me; in my Father's arms I'll be. The wounds this world left on my soul will all be healed and I'll be whole. Sun and moon will be replaced with the light of Jesus' face, and I will not be ashamed for my Saviour knows my name. So, weep not for me my friends, when my time below does end; for my life belongs to Him Who will raise the dead again~Jars of Clay (All My Tears).

Rest In Peace CD John. Take heart fans, friends and family. The dead in Christ will rise first... 1 Thess 4:13-18. Love, Joy.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


As I got on the bus one bright morning last week, along came a man selling one of those better-your-English pamphlets usually sold to commuters at garages and motor parks. Of course I wasn’t going to buy one. I didn’t even think about it, since i figured my English doesn’t need any help, much less from a street pamphlet. The man selling the pamphlets kept spouting excerpts from it; “It is wrong to say ‘The tap is rushing.’ Instead you should say, ‘The tap is running.’” “You don’t say ‘It’s time we leave,’ you should say ‘It’s time we left.’” And so on and so forth. I buried my face in my novel. Surely there were people on the bus badly in need of the pamphlet, I thought, unaware of my smugness. Just then, the man said, “You don’t say ‘I have an exam to write.’” I looked up sharply, my curiosity aroused. What then should we say, pray tell? “You do/sit/take an exam.” Oh, really?

All of those are correct, I thought. Still, that doesn’t mean “write” is wrong, or is it? I was sure that when I got online, my friend Google would tell me. Still, so discomfited was I by the fact that I could not say for sure if what he just read out was correct or not, that I did something I had never done before. I asked for a copy of the pamphlet and I paid for it. It was the very first time I ever spent something on English and me. As I put it in my bag I felt humbled, and then I was suddenly grateful that nobody on the bus knew me, and then I felt silly for feeling that way.

How many times have we been so comfortable in our work, our friendships, our romances that we hardly ever put in any effort to make them better? We are so certain that that we have them where we want them, that nothing could ever go wrong, that we’re geniuses at what we do, and that things will stay the way they are. “He can never fire me. I’m a natural at this job, the best he’ll ever be able to find.” “Of course she can never leave me. What would she do without me?”

However, when we’re faced with projects that don’t come easy to us we double and triple our effort, determined to succeed. And when it comes to the curious case of loving people who don’t really love us, how we excel! We sell arm and leg to win their affection. We work ourselves into a frenzy trying to keep them interested, trying to prove that we’re worth their time, attention and love. The ones who love and want us? Baah! The ones we didn’t slave and sweat to get? Pooh pooh!

I had a peculiar relationship with a certain well known fellow called Mathematics. We got off to rocky start right from primary school, and the number of lesson teachers I had solely for Mathematics would astound you. By the time I was in JSS3, our issues had become more severe. Oh how I wanted it to work, how I wanted “us” to be perfect. My poor mother was all over the place, recruiting teachers and buying books. By SS3, it had become a do or die affair. The Math genius of a lady who was preparing me for my ‘O’ Levels told my mother to make available New General Mathematics volumes 1-6, and in the months leading up to the exam she started from the very basics and we worked through to Book 6. After countless evenings of poring over equations and graphs, I ended up with a D7 when the results came out. Apparently Mathematics and I had come to the end of the road. The relationship was over, and it had ended badly. I was heartbroken. What did it matter that I never studied for my English paper and yet I made an A1? I was inconsolable. I had poured my all into my affair with Mathematics, and it had all been for nothing.

Still, English has been a faithful friend, never mind that I never take any time or spend any money in a deliberate attempt to build our relationship. Whatever nourishment our relationship gets is a by-product of the things I do solely for my own pleasure. In a way, that’s how it should be. Love shouldn’t be so hard. It should come naturally. Yet, it should never be taken for granted.

Of course there are those of us who upon realising that they have something at which they shine with minimal effort or a relationship that blossoms and sparkles without back-breaking effort, proceed to carry it like an egg, water it, hone it and do everything in their power to make it even better. These are the ones who stand out from the crowd, who truly have results to show for their talent. These are the ones whose beautiful relationships remain strong and grow even more beautiful with time’s passing.

We must remember that even the most perfect of relationships need a little helping along every now and then. We must resist the tendency to take for granted the relationships that flow easily, all the while fussing over the ones that are not really meant for us. If you have a gift, be it a talent or a relationship, isn’t it worth it to work at it and make it the best it can be? Is that not much better than wishing and striving for something else that simply isn’t yours to have?

Some argue that it’s not in your power to choose who you love, and you can’t turn it off and on at will like a switch. If you love someone, you love them. And if you don’t, you can’t force it, even if you know they love you. While the jury is still out on that theory, it is possible that we really have no control over who we love, in which case I’m lucky, because I love the English Language. And she loves me right back.

I did Google. You can take, sit for or write an exam.